There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
