I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
