those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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