After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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