did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
