you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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