Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
