Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
