Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
