haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
