piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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