so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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