There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
