i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
