I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
