Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
