Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
