I think I died a long time ago.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
