I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
