oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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