i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
