Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
