Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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