i don't plan on having that self control this summer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would ride that face into the sunset
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
