Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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