you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
