i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
