that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
