Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
