So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
