My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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