how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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