Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
