butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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