how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
