Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
me + whiskey = a bad person
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
