Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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