you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
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I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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