Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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