I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
