I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
