i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
