So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
