Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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