There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
