omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
