just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
