youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
