sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
