Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
