not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
sarcasm needs its own font
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos