Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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