dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
