My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
