ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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