You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
