Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
