Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
