Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
