She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
