She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found your dick twin last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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