he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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