I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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