U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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