He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
